issy的部落格

Ellen's Tulane Commencement Speech!  艾倫秀-艾倫精彩的畢業演講

嚴肅中又不失搞笑風格，一切都是他的人生經驗在短短9分鐘呈現出來，笑中有他黑暗的過去，Ending非常的不一樣!真的是很棒!!!!!!!

Ellen's Tulane Commencement Speech!

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests – you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can’t graduate ’til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. So there’s that. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus – alumini – aluminum – alumis – you had to graduate from this school. And I didn’t go to college here, and I don’t know if President Cowan knows, I didn’t go to any college at all. Any college. And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I”m a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at (?) and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you’re too far away and I’d never get away with it.

I’m here because of you. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you’ve given up. I’m here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I – I really, I had no ambition, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from – I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I’d just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don’t understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, “I’m gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson”- at the time he was the king – “and I’m gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn’t like me, they wouldn’t laugh at me.

Then my career turned into – I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I’m gay, then they’ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents – this was back, many years ago – and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn’t live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn’t to make a political statement, it wasn’t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didn’t ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn’t, because of what I did. And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasn’t just about me and it wasn’t about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished… it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn’t want to pick it up. Most people didn’t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear, I’m free, I have no secrets. and I know I’ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It’s not, it’s “groupies”.

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you’ll realise the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure. to try to be something that you’re not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there’s no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It’s gonna be great. You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, “Is it above sea level?” . So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I’m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with. And you’ll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don’t remember a thing I said today, remember this: you’re gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

謝謝，考恩校長（Scott Cowan），考恩校長夫人，各位尊貴的來賓，平凡的來賓——你們知道你們是誰，我所尊敬的師長，以及令人毛骨悚然的西班牙語老師。也要感謝你們這些2009年的畢業班同學，我知道你們大多宿醉，頭痛欲裂，從肥美星期二（Fat Tuesday,基督教為期四十天的大齋期固定從灰聖星期三開始起算，古代人習慣在大齋期的前一天牽著肥美的牛上街遊行，狂歡作樂，並吃掉所有剩餘的葷菜，因此叫肥美星期二）以來都還沒睡，可是，你們必須等到我講完才能畢業，所以好好聽著吧。

有人邀請我發表畢業典禮演說時，我立刻答應了。然後，我開始去查畢業典禮到底是什麼意思。如果我有字典的話，這應該是件容易的事。可是，我們房子裡的書絕大多數是波娣雅（Portia，譯注：指波稊雅‧蘿西（Portia de Rossi），澳洲女星。艾倫與波稊雅於2008年在加州結婚，成為有合法婚姻關係的女同志伴侶）寫的，而且是用澳州文寫成的。因此，我不得自己拆解這個詞，找出它的意義。

畢業典禮（Commencement）：常見的（common），以及水泥（cement）。常見的水泥（common cement）。你經常在人行道上看到水泥。人行道上有裂紋。如果你踩到裂紋，你就打破了你媽的背（if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back.譯注：美國的小朋友喜歡在人行道上玩類似跳格子的遊戲，如果踩到路面的裂紋，就算出局了。這句俚語引伸的含意：有些父母過度保護小孩，當孩子遇到問題時，往往過度緊張，壓力沈重），因此就有了畢業典禮。不過，我很榮幸你們邀請我來你們常見的水泥上演講。

我想你一定是個著名的校友（alumnus）——鋁（alumini）——阿魯密斯（alumis）——你必須從這所學校畢業，而我，並沒有在這裡上大學。而且，我並不曉得考恩校長也知道我從沒上過大學。任何學院。我並不是說你們浪費自己的時間或金錢，但是，看看我吧，我可是個超級大名人。

我確實從艱苦的社會大學（school of hard knocks）畢業了，可是，我們的吉祥物是「咪咪」（knockers, 譯注：knockers在美國俚語中有女性乳房的意思，而knocker是吹毛求疵的人，一語雙關，表示她仍在面對艱苦挑戰）。我曾在這裡渡過許多成長歲月，我媽以前在紐科姆（Newcomb）工作，每當我必須從她的錢包裡偷點東西時，我就會跟著她到那裡。不過，我今天為什麼來到這裡呢？顯然不是來偷東西的，你們坐得離我太遠了，即使得手，我也絕對無法僥倖逃脫。

我來到這裡，是因為你們，因為我想不出有哪個畢業班比你們更堅韌、更勇敢。我的意思是，看看大家，穿著學士長袍的你們。當你們在早上十點時穿著長袍，通常表示你們已經投降了。我來到這裡，因為我愛紐奧良。我在這裡出生，在這裡成長，在這裡渡過了我的人格發展期（formative years，譯注：成長過程中最易吸收知識的黃金期），而且，就像你們一樣，我住在這裡的期間，我只洗過六次衣服。當我完成學業時，我完全迷失了。而且，在校時——我指的是初中。無論如何，我還是往前進，完成了高中學業——我，我真的毫無企圖心，我不知道我想做什麼。我做各種事，從——我剝牡蠣，我當餐廳帶位女侍，我當酒保，我當女服務生，我油漆房子，我賣吸塵器，我不知道。我想，我最終總會適應某些工作，我會賺到足夠的錢來付我的房租，或許能付擔基本的有線電視頻道的費用，或許不能，我真的沒有任何計畫。我的重點是：當我在你們這種年紀時，我真的以為我知道自己是誰，但其實我並不知道。舉例來說，當我在你們這種年紀時，我和男人約會。所以，我想說的是，當你年紀更大一點後，你們絕大多數會變成同志。有誰拿筆記下這些廢話？家長們？

總之， 我不知道我想要怎樣的人生。我之所以走上這條路，起因於一個非常悲慘的事件。大約十九歲的時候，我當時的女朋友在車禍中喪生。我路過這場意外的現場，我不知道她是車禍的主角，所以繼續往前走，但很快地我就發現是她。我當時住在一間公寓的地下室，我沒有錢，我沒有暖氣，沒有空調，地板上有張床墊，屋內到處是跳蚤。我深沈地自我反省，我在想，為什麼她突然消失了，為什麼這裡有跳蚤？我不懂。一定有個什麼目的吧。如果我們能拿起電話，打給上帝，請教他這些問題，那不是很方便嗎？

於是，我開始寫東西，從我筆下傾洩而出的是與上帝之間的對話想像，單方面的言詞，我寫完了它，我看著它，我對自己說，我從來沒有當過單口相聲喜劇演員，從來沒有，這城裡沒有夜總會。我說：「我要在《今夜》（Tonight Show）這個節目裡和強尼‧卡森（Johnny Carson）做這件事。」——當時他是這個領域的國王——「而且，我要成為這個節目有史以來第一個被點名坐下來的女性。」幾年後，我成了這個節目有史以來的第一個女性，也是有史以來唯一一個坐下來的女性，就因為我寫的那場與上帝之間的對話。 我開始走上這條路，我開始走上單口相聲這條路，很成功，很棒，但也很難，因為我努力取悅每個人，而且我隱藏了一個祕密：我是同志。我想，如果人們發現這個祕密，他們就不會喜歡我了，他們不會再嘲笑我。

於是，我的職業生涯轉向了——我有了自己的情境喜劇（sitecom），我做得非常成功，另一種層次的成功。而我想，要是他們發現我是同志，會怎樣呢？他們永遠不會再看我表演；這是很久以前的事了，當時我們只有白人總統——然後，多年前——我終於下定決心，我與如此大的恥辱、如此深的恐懼共存，我實在不能再這樣活下去了。我決定出櫃（come out），讓這件事變得有創造力。而且，我的性格會同時一起出櫃，那並不是去做個政治聲明，不是去做「讓我從我背負的重擔中釋放出來」以外的事情，我只是想要誠實而已。我想，「最糟的狀況是什麼？我可能會斷送我的職業生涯。」我辦到了。我斷送了我的職業生涯。六年後，那個節目被停了，甚至沒人事先告知我。我從報紙上看到這個消息。整整三年，電話都沒有響。我沒有工作機會。完全沒有人願意碰我。我收到徘徊於自殺邊緣的孩子們的信件，然而，還是沒人碰我，因為我所做的事。於是，我領悟到我有一個目的，它不僅僅關乎我自己，不僅僅關乎名人，也關係到我覺得我一直遭到懲罰這件事……那是個糟糕的時期，我憤怒，我悲傷；然後，有人請我表演脫口秀。給我表演脫口秀的機會的人試圖出售這個節目，而絕大多數的電視台並都不願意播出這個節目。人們大多不想買這個節目，因為他們認為沒人會看我。

確實，當我回首這件事，我也改變不了任何事。我的意思是，它對我是如此重要，重要到令我失去一切，因為我發現了最重要的事情是，做真正的自己。追根究底，那是讓我來到這裡的動力。我不再生活於恐懼之中，我自由了，我沒有秘密了，而我知道我永遠都會活得不錯，因為無論如何，我知道我自己是誰。所以，結論就是：年輕的時候，我認為成功是某種特別的東西。我認為，我長大以後，我想要出名。我想要當一個明星。我想看走進電影裡。我長大以後，我想要看看這個世界，開好車，我想要有追星族。套句小野貓（the Pussycat Dolls,譯注：美國藝人）的話：有多少人認為那是「傻蛋」（boobies）呢？順道一提，那不是「傻蛋」，那是「追星族」（groupies）

然而，現在的我對成功的想法改變了。當你年紀更大，你就會理解成功的定義是會變的。對於你們當中的許多人來說，今天，成功可以是喝下20杯龍舌蘭酒。對我而言，你生命中最重要的事情是擁有完整的生活，不要屈服於同儕壓力，試圖成為不是真正的你的某種人。讓你自己變成最誠實、最有熱情的人，用這種態度去過生活，以某種方式付出你的一己之力。所以，總之我的結論是：跟隨你的繞情，做真正的自己，不會跟著別人走他的路，除非你身在樹林之中，你迷路了，你看到了一條路，而你非得沿著那條路走不可。不要給人家建議，它會回過頭來反咬你的屁股。不要接受任何人的建議。所以，我對你們的建議是，做真正的自己，一切都會好起來的。

我知道在場有許多人關心你們的未來，但是，不必擔心。經濟正在蓬勃發展，就業市場是敞開的，這個星球實在不錯。它會變得很棒的。你們已經在一個颶風（譯注：2005年重創紐奧良的卡崔娜颶風）中逃過一劫，還能碰上什麼事呢？正如我之前提到的，你遭遇到最具毀滅性的事，會教你最多東西。現在，你們已經知道在自己第一次工作面試時應該問的正確問題了，例如：「它是否高於海拔？」所以，總結我之前所做的結論，在這場常見的水泥的演講中，我想，我試圖要說的是，人生就像一場大狂歡節（Mardi Gras）。不過，不要露出你們的胸部，露你們的腦給大家看；如果他們喜歡他們看到的東西，你就會有你想像中還多的汗水可以流，而且在大多數的時間裡，你都會處於喝醉的狀態。因此，2009年的卡崔娜班（Katrina class），我要恭喜你們；而且，如果你記不得我今天所講的任何事，請記住這點：你會過得不錯的，噹噹噹噹，只要跳舞就好了。